What can I say you’re one already, I think I blinked and this year has disappeared. That said it has been the best year of my life because I met you and I get to be your Mummy. Every day you surprise me and every day you make me so proud I could burst, the thing no one was able to explain to me before you came along was just how much I would and could love you, how every time you cried it would physically pain me (even if it is my fault because I won’t let you play with Patchs water or eat his food!) Nobody told me that you would become my favourite person to be with and that I would miss you desperately anytime you aren’t with me.
You came into this world looking the spitting image of your Daddy, I wouldn’t have had it any other way, I couldn’t see any of me in you but that has changed as the year has gone on. You don’t suffer fools gladly and its amusing to watch, you love what you do, the people you adore and you won’t tolerate what you don’t like. You have displayed time and time again the impatience that meant you defied doctors and came into this world quicker than they anticipated – the same impatience that comes from me – if you want something you want it yesterday. You have a stubborn and wilful streak that again Daddy will say you get from me; you are bypassing crawling because you wanted to be on your feet straight away. You have your Daddys cheeky streak, so often I see the glint in your eyes and know you are up to something, even at this age, it makes me laugh even when I know I should be being stern. You are a quiet and serious baby but when you smile you light up the room and your eyes sparkle and when you do start chatting there is no shutting you up (again Daddy will say that is all me and I cannot deny that one!)
You love swimming, a water baby from the off you took to it like a natural and its one of my favourite things to do with you. You love music and enjoy our class every Friday as well as playing Grandad and Daddys guitars. You love our Pup more than anything, watching you two become best buds has made me so happy this year, mainly because I thought he was going to sulk at your arrival, however it has been the opposite you have become the human he loves most. You are all for your Grandads but your favourite word lately is Nan especially when I am trying to make you do something you don’t want to (such as getting dressed!) You have your aunties and uncles wrapped around your little finger and there is nothing they won’t do for you, your big cousins have become your first friends in life and there is a bond there that is unbreakable. Then there is your little friendship group who have been there from the start, some of Mummys friends and some we added along the way, they have been a huge support to us both and are there at the end of a text when I am pulling my hair out at 3am because you won’t sleep – mainly because your little buddies won’t either!
Daddy took to fatherhood like a duck to water he just got it from the off, whilst I had to learn as I went. I think when you arrived I was too shell shocked to know what was going on, I had spent the whole time carrying you just focusing on getting from one day to the next, so much so that it kind of didn’t sink in there would be a baby at the end. Once I came out of the medication induced fog we learnt together, getting used to each others ways, smiling the smiles that were just for us when we cracked something and I felt I was getting into the swing of this parenting malarkey, then without fail you moved the goal posts and it was another learning curve, but we get there :-) Some days I am an ok Mum others I feel like the worlds best Mum and that’s ok because we can’t be perfect all the time. I want you to remember that, it is ok to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them, there is nothing in this world that we cannot solve by facing it together. Admit when you are wrong, and do whats right even though it wont always be the easy option. Take chances because who knows where they will lead you, and be confident in the knowledge that myself and Daddy will ALWAYS be behind you and on your side. I have no doubt that there will be times that you will dislike the boundaries we put in place, and knowing you as I do I have no doubt you will test them, but know that they will always have been put there with your best interests at heart. That everything we ever do is with your best intentions at heart and that will include telling you when you are in the wrong, because if we can’t who will. Sometimes we will get it wrong, and I will practise what I preach, hold my hands up and show you that its ok to admit to mistakes. I also want you to know how loved you are and I don’t mean by just Daddy and I. You are such a lucky little boy with a tight circle around you of people who love you unconditionally and want the best from life for you, know that this makes you richer than any money or possessions ever could, treasure these people always because you are very fortunate to have them.
And then there is me. As I murmur to you every morning “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.” I can’t tell you how much I love you because I just don’t have the words but one day when you hold your own child for the first time (God willing and if that’s what you want) you will know exactly how I feel about you. How much I love you and how I would give my own life if it meant protecting yours. I always say I was never scared of dying but now I am because it would mean leaving you without a Mum, and for that reason I take better care of myself than I ever have. You make me want to be a better person because I want to set the best example I ever could for you. I swing between wanting you to be my baby forever and wanting you to grow because I am excited to see who you become.
And just remember what I whisper to you every night when putting you to bed…I love you no matter what my Baby Boy.
Happy 1st Birthday Mr Noah.
My names Faye, mostly known for being a tea addict and keen runner and swimmer. I'm 32, married and I had my 1st child in June 2015, oh and I also happen to have epilepsy. This is my story of Pregnancy, Motherhood & Epilepsy.