Sorry to disappoint! This isn’t an announcement of Faye being pregnant with our second child; trust me I’d think of something much more entertaining than a blog post if that situation ever does happen. This is actually a post about my fears about us trying for a second baby. A fear I’m sure many men who love a woman with epilepsy have had throughout time.
The thought of Baby number 2 is at the forefront of our thoughts at the moment because we always said that we’d have liked to have had our second child when the first was between 2 and 3, and it’s also been a subject of conversation for Faye with her Neurologist.
Faye had an appointment with her Neuro yesterday (Monday 8th Jan) and they spoke about changing Faye’s meds because Lamotrigine isn’t working anymore. Several meds were mentioned; one med in particular was Sodium Valproate, but only if we were done having children and that Faye took measures to making sure she couldn’t fall pregnant again.
I had always said to Faye that if Noah was our only child I would die a happy man, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But when Faye told me that was an option and what would be needed to be done my heart sank. The thought of not having another child broke my heart. To never see another child of mine take their first steps, or say “Dad” for the first time or to be able to comfort them when they’re upset and all they want is a “daddy cuddle” (something Noah is quickly growing out of!) – It broke my heart. It also told me that I do want another child
But what if by getting Faye pregnant I’m signing her death warrant?
If you have read Faye’s blog from its beginning you will know of the two huge scares we had while she was pregnant with Noah. For those who haven’t and haven’t had the chance to read back through all of the Blog posts I’ll give you a quick recap of what happened:
During Faye’s pregnancy with Noah she had two huge tonic clonic seizures that resulted in her being hospitalised. The first one happened on her way to work one morning. Due to the seizure, Faye fell down a flight of stairs at a crowded underground station. Only God knows how close we came to losing our unborn son and only God knows how close I came to losing my wife that morning.
The second was by the seaside when Faye went away with her sister, cousin and their kids for the day, to try and help her relax. Faye has told me since that she woke up face down on the floor with nobody around her to help. She could see people in the distance but they were too far away for Faye to get their attention. She also couldn’t feel the baby moving after the fall. Again only God knows how close we came to losing our unborn son that day.
Both seizures resulted in Faye being admitted to hospital and both scared me to death. I thank God everyday that I’ve been lucky enough to be able to wake up every morning next to my beautiful wife and sometimes I have to remind myself how lucky I am to be woken up by Noah for the 7th time by 3am asking for more milk or thinking it’s time to get up and play! I thank God everyday that my heartache was only temporary and that I’ve got both of them here to spend my life with.
So why should I gamble with my luck?
I’ve always said to Faye it feels like we dodged some huge bullets during her pregnancy with Noah. And I always try and describe it like this:
You’ve got several sheets of bullet proof glass lined up spinning on an axle, some clock wise and some anti clockwise and all at different speeds. Each sheet of glass has holes in it big enough for a bullet to be fired through. Then you’ve got a gun being fired at the bullet proof glass. 9 times out of 10 the bullet hits the glass and nothing happens. Then that one time it gets through a hole, but you’re lucky again and it just hits the next sheet of bullet proof glass. This could keep happening over and over again and the worst case scenario never happens. But eventually that gun is going to be fired just as those holes all line up and that bullet is going to travel through and destroy everything you hold dear.
This is how I feel about Faye falling pregnant again. We might have a smoother journey the next time Faye is pregnant, but we might not. It could mirror her pregnancy with Noah blow for blow. But it could also result in my wife and unborn child dying.
And this is my dilemma. Do I risk my happy, perfect little family to make it that bit bigger, happier and more perfect? Even if me and Faye decide that we both think the risk is outweighed by the reward, can I really juggle with Noah’s family dynamic without his consent and risk costing him his mother? What would I say to my son if the worst case scenario was to happen? How would I explain that to a 2 ½ year old? How would I explain it to him when he’s older and has more of an understanding of everything?
I know that no pregnancy is without its risks and I don’t want to come across as ungrateful in this post because as I said earlier, I thank God every day that they’re here and I count my blessings every second of every day, even when both Faye and Noah are doing my head in! And if I was told tomorrow that I couldn’t have anymore children for a reason that’s out of our hands I’d be thankful I was able to help bring Noah into this world and be happy that I’ve got such an amazing son. But it’s not out of our hands and there’s this battle going on in my head constantly, especially when we get the comments “when are you two having another one?”
It’s a hard choice, and one I cannot answer at this precise moment. One I don’t know whether I’d be able to answer ever, but one I know I need to be able to answer soon.
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My names Faye, mostly known for being a tea addict and keen runner. I'm 31, married and I had my 1st child in June 2015, oh and I also happen to have epilepsy. This is my story of Pregnancy, Motherhood & Epilepsy.