Two years ago today we stood infront of our friends & family and took our marriage vows… “For better for worse… in sickness and in health” little did we know that the ‘in sickness’ would come sooner than we ever knew.
Yet not once have you grumbled, not once have you felt sorry for yourself having to deal with me. I have to admit it took me a while to realize this experience might be just as hard for you (or harder) as it is for me. I am so ashamed of that, I was selfish. Whilst the seizures and all that come with it are horrible I won’t ever be the one who takes that phone call telling you I’m in hospital, who wonders what state you would come home to find me in, or have to tolerate the mood swings, anxiety and all side effects.
I want to apologize for all of the times epilepsy has made life difficult for you. I’m sorry for all of those times in A&E, all the times it has scared the sh*t out of you and made you panic. I will always remember the sight of you sat beside me in March because you didn’t want to leave my side. Not only did you worry about me at that time but our unborn baby. During the hardest times, I watched your heart break and before I could even process what was happening to me, my heart broke seeing how much it was hurting you. I want so much to be cured just so that you won’t hurt. My heart burst but also crumbled at the same time when you told me you would take it off me if you could and have it just so I didn’t have to live with it. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy never mind you, but the sentiment was one of the most powerful things you have ever said to me.
I know you would do anything to heal me, and you have done everything in your power to help me. You have found the balance between being my safety net and giving me the freedom to regain my confidence. I want to thank you every single thing you have done for me, but the list would be too long. I want to thank you for every sacrifice you have made for me, the plans that have to be cancelled or changed. I know this must be frustrating at best and annoying at worst, yet not once do you make me aware of this. You have given to me so selflessly, regardless of what I’ve been able to give in return. Sometimes when I have nothing at all to give. You deserve much more than to live with this condition.
You want things to be easier for me, and I want things to be easier for you, resulting in us going in circles. I want you to stop sacrificing things because I want you to be happy, but being who you are I know this will never happen. At the same time, I am immensely grateful because I know at times I would never be able take care of myself as well as you take care of me.
Thank you for encouraging me to put my health before work. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t pushed me to take better care of myself, even if I wasn’t impressed that day in the hospital at the lecture.
I’m not sure if you know how amazing you are, and I don’t think I have the words to do that justice. It’s not always easy being married to me, but you have handled it with strength, integrity and the patience of a saint.
I have struggled and fought, but you are the real hero in this situation. You are behind the scenes working and giving whilst refusing to take any credit for that, and that’s what gives me the strength to fight this. You are a lot stronger than you think you are, you take everything on your shoulders.
I smile as people tell me how strong I am, or how lucky Noah is to have me. Then I remind them that I wouldn’t be who I am without you, I wouldn’t be this strong if it wasn’t for you. It is us who are blessed to have you. This blog would never have been possible without your consent or encouragement and I thank you for that because it has grown to mean a lot to me and I am so proud of the work it has allowed me to be involved in.
I’m sure when you were younger and imagined growing up and having a family not once did you envision living with this condition. Yet you have done your upmost to learn as much as you can, and over the last 7 and a half years I have watched you go from the bystander who watched my family deal with it to essentially primary caregiver who has the confidence to deal with it. You have become someone who knows my patterns and can spot episodes coming a mile off as well as I do. I never wanted that for you, but I have to accept there is nothing I can do about it.
Mostly I thank God every single day that I found you, and that has nothing to do with the epilepsy or how you deal with it. I am thankful that I found my best friend and soulmate. A kind, generous, funny, and caring (and yes handsome!) man who loves me as much as I love you, who makes me a better person, who makes me want to be a better person. You make me laugh every single day, you make being at home my favourite place in the world and you make me amazingly proud to be able to call myself your wife. You not only are an amazing husband but you are the best Dad and a fantastic role model for Noah. If he grows to be even half the man you are we will have done a good job.
I know this year hasn’t been easy not by any stretch of the imagination, it has thrown so much at us and again that is not just the epilepsy. Yet a few months ago you told me this year had been these happiest of your life because we had each other and now we have Noah and that is priceless. You saying that still makes me beam from ear to ear. Whatever life throws at us we will always have the security of our little family, and you are the rock, the solid foundation that makes me believe we can deal with anything that comes our way.
So as we celebrate our second anniversary know that I am forever grateful for everything you do and I’m sorry if I don’t remember to say that enough. Most importantly that I am grateful for you. I love you more than words can say and I look forward to the next year of married life and all those that will follow.
Happy Anniversary xxxx
My names Faye, mostly known for being a tea addict and keen runner and swimmer. I'm 32, married and I had my 1st child in June 2015, oh and I also happen to have epilepsy. This is my story of Pregnancy, Motherhood & Epilepsy.