Our 4th wedding anniversary! The years have flown by, well I say 4th I have started writing this on the 1st November, you are currently in surgery and it has given me time to think. Having Noah has been the best thing that ever happened to us, but so often it means we are Mum and Dad and being husband and wife gets pushed down the pecking order, but sat here now I am not thinking about you as a Dad but as my husband and best friend.
Raising a toddler is hard, and I know some days by the time we put him to bed I am spent, I don’t have the energy to even talk because that beautiful boy we created is a whirlwind and it takes every ounce of me to keep up with him. I know over the last few months my parents both being seriously ill has meant that so often I am a Mum, daughter, aunt and sister before I can even think about being wife and that has often meant that when I get home I have nothing left in the tank, and that anything I do have has to go to Noah to ensure his life isn’t disrupted, that he has stability and normality and ensuring that he gets the best from me, yet not once do you ever complain.
You have made home my safe place, you have been my rock and constant, you listen and comfort without hesitation. I know that it shouldn’t be the way but equally sometimes life dictates situations that are beyond our control, but know this; every single decision I make day in day out is with you and Mr Noah at the forefront. Everything I do is because I love you both with every single ounce of my being, and know that I will protect our little unit with every breath in my body. As I sit here waiting for you to come out of surgery I don’t want you to come out safe for Noah (well obviously, I do!) but I want you here safe for me because I can’t imagine a world without you in it. I can’t imagine my world without my best friend and soulmate, you make me laugh every day, even on the days I don’t want to, the silly messages that I sometimes think people would think we were crazy if they saw, the man I fell in love with 9 years ago.
I look at old photos of us now and see two happy, carefree people, the photos these days we look older, a family unit so quite often not at our best but none the less this perfect family we created. Do I miss the days before Noah? If I’m honest sometimes yes, I miss dating you, I miss us coming before everything else, some days I just miss you even when we are sat in the same room because we aren’t that care free couple anymore. Would I trade what we have now? Not for all the tea in the world (you know how much of a big deal that is!) Because whilst I don’t see a young care free couple I see a family, a happy place, a beautiful boy who is the best of both of us. I see Pup who is loved so much and very much part of this family and mostly I see laughter and unconditional love, lots and lots of both, so no I wouldn’t trade it.
When we celebrated our anniversary last year I was just so grateful that we survived the year, Keppra almost destroyed me and almost destroyed us, you tell me now you never doubted our ability to survive it, but deep down in the throes of keppra rage I know there are times you questioned it. I’m not ashamed to say that because I always said I would be honest about our lives, but what it does also show me is that life can be tough, but we are tougher. All I asked for this time last year was that our next year of marriage was an uneventful one, an easy one that didn’t test us. I am more than grateful to say that as a couple we nailed this year, it has been an easy year.
Circumstances around us haven’t been easy and your belief in me has been unfailing, the fact that when I run out of fight you were in my corner spurring me on so I could get up and fight another round (see what I did with the boxing analogy there!) The two young people in them photos could not have imagined the joy that was to come, buying a house, nursing our sick pup back to health and watching him thrive, getting married, seeing the world together, the incomparable happiness at Noah’s arrival and sheer joy and pride at seeing him grow. How could we have known our pride in each other would burst from the seams as I set up the blog and you started running SouthPaw Jab, that we would support each other fiercely in our passions even when it meant compromise.
Nor were we to know that we would walk the dark times of miscarriage, epilepsy, ill parents, anxiety and loss, but even on our bad days I would do that a 100 times over rather than the best day with anyone else.
If somebody had asked me what love was ten years ago I would have said it was flowers, romance, walks on the beach and candle light dinners. Now I know what it really is; it is taking the bins out, its putting your hand in the scummy water because I can’t bare it, its letting each other sleep in, its giving each other space, its allowing us to grow separately whilst knowing we can still grow together, its watching you change Noah, play with him, walking the Pup on cold dark nights and watching my rubbish TV. I love you for the life that you give us, how you working allows me to stay home with Noah, how even though I didn’t need to you supported my choice to return to work, that you put a roof over our head and food on our table. It’s me fretting about what food I cook because I want you both to be healthy, it is trying so hard to keep the house in a decent state because I want you to come home to a house and not a tip. Its loving me when Noah has peed all over me, its loving me equally in tracksuit or on the rare time I get to doll myself up. That is love, it may not be movie perfect but its real and it is our life. I could survive without you but the point is I don’t want to. You are my choice every single time. I love you for all that you are, all that you have been and all that you are yet to be.
A lot may have changed over the years but one thing that hasn’t is how very much I love you and how I chose you that first date, how I chose you on our wedding day and now that I will choose you every day until death do us part.
Forever yours, Wifey. X
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My names Faye, mostly known for being a tea addict and keen runner and swimmer. I'm 32, married and I had my 1st child in June 2015, oh and I also happen to have epilepsy. This is my story of Pregnancy, Motherhood & Epilepsy.